When two adults disagree, there is bound to be some “emotional heat,” but as adults, through years of trial and error, we learn coping skills that serve to limit angry outbursts (sometimes). Whether married, living together, related to each other, or being best of friends, it is natural to disagree with one another by the very nature of being human. The ability to refrain from angry outbursts during times of disagreements is a skill honed over years of interpersonal interactions. I believe sibling disagreements and their resolutions during childhood, are key developmental steps in learning positive ways to express different points of view as we mature.

When I think of the term “sibling rivalry,” I draw an analogy of two siblings standing at either end of a long rope in a game of tug of war.  Each holds a strong belief that they are in the right. Many times, it is a- lose-lose situation even with the intervention of a neutral party (“peacemaker parent”). Often, voices are raised and the neutral party is the one who is chastised for taking one side over the other. That is why, when siblings argue, it is better to refrain from any involvement. They got into it, let them get out of it. Easy to say, hard to do!

Much as we have all witnessed or involved ourselves in argumentative episodes between siblings, we have also witnessed several moments of their loving, harmonious, interaction. These times are usually more the mainstream, but like anything in life, we remember the arguments and, in our need to remediate, we read all that we can about “sibling rivalry.”  Sure, I remember the times when my granddaughters got into squabbles with raised voices and slammed doors, but I also remember all the times when they offered their support to each other, the warm, tender, support that they will increasingly come to depend upon as they weave their way through life. There have been many stellar moments between May and Eloise, but the one that comes to mind right now is the time when my daughter and son-in-law left the girls in my husband’s and my care so they could enjoy a getaway weekend.

It was a glorious summer’s day. May and Eloise arrived at our Cape Cod house happily anticipating the fun-filled weekend ahead. As a great believer in outdoor play, several of my planned activities initially took place in the yard surrounding our house. We threw frisbees, played baseball, had water pistol fights, took turns swinging at a pinata that hung from the branches of the front yard tree, and scooped up the prizes of candy and trinkets. The entire time we were outdoors, the girls demonstrated sibling support by evenly sharing the contents of the pinata, cheering each other on at games and respecting the wishes of one another.

The entire day ran smoothly. We ate pizza at the local restaurant, had ice cream from the popular sweet shop in town, walked along the beach hunting for “grandpa’s toenails,” (semitranslucent, misshapen shells that a younger May thought resembled her grandfather’s toenails), and fed the ducks at the pond near our house. Needless to say, I was exhausted and was looking forward to the girls’ bedtime, which was rapidly approaching. They were sure to be extremely tired, or so I thought.

After reading the girls a story, I tucked them into bed and, leaving their bedroom door slightly ajar, went into the nearby living room to relax and read my book. Things seemed to be going smoothly enough, that was until I suddenly heard a loud wail emanating from the girls’ bedroom. It was Eloise, sobbing uncontrollably for her mother. I put my book down and entered the room, sure that I could console her. After all, we had just spent a glorious day together. Hadn’t we?

During the next few hours, I was to learn that trying to console a three-year-old who misses her mother is almost an impossibility. I tried everything from laying on the bedroom floor, to reassuring Eloise that her parents would arrive in the morning, to interrupting my daughter’s romantic dinner by calling her on the phone so that Eloise could be reassured by the sound of her mom’s voice. She wasn’t! As a matter of fact, the phone call only made things worse. I was at my wit’s end. Not only did I feel upset that I was unable to calm my granddaughter down, I was sure the surrounding neighbors would think that I was beating her. Just what I’d need; local police arriving at my door!

Everyone is familiar with the expression, “out of the mouths of babes.” That expression rang true on this particular evening. After a couple of hours of anguish on both Eloise’s and my part, May, her older sister by three years, came to the rescue. Taking charge of the situation, May advised me to sit down and allow her to calm down Eloise. While Eloise and I watched, May removed the sheets, blankets, pillowcases, stuffed animals and noise machine from the bedroom and brought everything into our great room where there were two couches. After setting up one couch for herself and the other for Eloise, she hugged her sister   and reassured her that their parents would return by early morning (Hadn’t I done that?). Exhausted and at peace with the new sleeping arrangements, both girls immediately fell to sleep.

Throughout the years of watching my two granddaughters’ development, I have seen many instances of sibling support between them, too many to put into this already lengthy post. Those memorable times of sibling support make fleeting moments of sibling rivalry insignificant in the great scheme of childhood development. Those times of shared love, laughter and thoughtfulness, fill my memory bank with unending joy.